you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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