Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
you win again, gameday.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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