he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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