I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
