he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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