this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
