after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
