Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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