Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize