I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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