wanna go halves on a baby?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
