We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
