You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
