why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I need water and some morals
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
