Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm at about main and main street
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
