I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
