Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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