The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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