I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
