remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize