I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
