I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
