I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
