Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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