i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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