just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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