By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize