I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
