i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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