I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
