Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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