I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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