plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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