Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
