I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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