if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
