The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
