I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you win again, gameday.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
