I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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