Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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