Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
