He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize