When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
