Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
