why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
