That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
