are you still at the devil's house?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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