oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
