is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
