the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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