I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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