After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
