My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
